Sunday, March 6, 2011

Necrons and How Not to Make Alien Movies




You can’t tell too well from the crappy picture, but one of the destroyers is supposed to be wrecked and pulling his severed torso up the side of his destroyer shell in order to reek more havoc.

BTW – Me and Ms. Professor Eldritch have a date this Friday to see Battle for Los Angeles. My guess is that it will probably suck eggs like all alien movies, in that we will be treated to 80 minutes of straight human slaughter (good) only to have them saved in the last 10 minutes but some moronic plot contrivance (bad). I’m looking at you War of the Worlds, Signs and Independence Day.

As an aside, what the hell is it with alien invasion movies? How hard can it be to make an interesting movie about aliens killing people? And why do we humans always have to win in the end? I mean seriously, if a race of creatures capable of interstellar flight wanted to nix us, my guess is they probably could. Whatever the outcome, my guess it that they also wouldn’t be bested by a) a PC virus b) chicken pox c) fucking water.

As a second aside, M, Night Shyamalan should no longer be allowed to make movies. Ever. Aliens coming to earth and not being prepped for H2O is about a plausible as human invading Venus and not thinking about the whole “hot enough to melt lead and covered top to bottom with sulfuric acid” thing. Christ, what a terrible movie.

Which brings me to my next aside, my idea for an alien vs. human movie. It’s called “Almost”. It starts with the basics: aliens come to earth, followed by 80 minutes of them blowing up recognizable landmarks with massive lasers, then 10 minutes of the scattered human survivors coming up with a hair-brained scheme to fight back. Queue a Bon Jovi sound-tracked montage of all the nations teaming up to launch the Big Plan. The last 3 minutes then consists of the aliens totally smashing that plan and then turning earth into what amount to luxury galactic condos for the aliens. And scene.

Maybe I’m just a prick, but only a few ever have, IMO, gotten the formula right: the Aliens series, District 9. The former cause it does aliens as they should be: menacing, scary as hell and utterly better at just about everything than humans. The latter is a great flick because gasp it flips the genre on its head by making us the bad guys – and not in the hackneyed, Dances with Blue People, crap-gasim way that James Cameron did.

Anyway, here’s to hoping for the best for Battle for LA, and sneaking a few beers into the theatre in the worst happens, and against all odds we end up winning again.

1 comment:

  1. If District 9 has a failing, it's in the sudden shift back into High Concept during the third act. Running around in power suits blowing shit up is a bit of an abrupt shift in style from 'documentary' in the first act and 'body horror' in the second. The second shift in tone and style is far more abrupt than the first, and has an unfortunate immersion-shattering net effect.

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